Bless your little, panzie, heart. You don’t like the cold, you’re afraid of wildlife (even bunnies), and sleeping on the ground is something you think people only do in third world countries. Never fear, I’m here to help you make the camping trip you’re being forced to go on as painless and possible. Hell, even if you’re a seasoned camper you might just learn a little sumthin’.
Down feathers are amazingly warm and, if the cold bothers you when you’re camping, we recommend investing in a down jacket, sleeping bag, puffy vest…hell, just stuff some baby ducks down your shirt if you’re that sensitive to the cold.
A really good trick for chilly nights under the stars is to bring two or three down pillows to use as snuggle buddies. Put them between your legs, under your head, and behind your back for awesome insulation. We guarantee, you’ll wake up sweating.
Car Camp (Cough, cough…pussy…cough)
Ok, we’ll admit that there are some circumstances where car camping is permissible. For example, a clear, spring night turns into a torrential downpour or you’ve got the hankerin’ to winter camp but you don’t have a 4-season tent and you’re not interested in freezing your balls off ( assuming you have balls, car camper).
Sleeping pads and multiple comforters can be utilized for optimum comfort.
Makeshift and Nifty Space Heaters
If you have a large Nalgene bottle ( or something similar), you can boil water on a camp stove, pour it in, and use this plastic wonder as a makeshift space heater. It will warm a sleeping bag so well, you’ll think a naked hottie climbed in for a snuggle fest.
Crash Pads for Your Sensitive Behind
If you’re a climber, know a climber, or wanna be a climber you could/should infest in a crash pad. They’re perfect for sleeping on and for saving your ass after you miss the move on that V8 ( who are we kidding? If you don’t like to camp, you’re not climbing V8s).
If All Else Fails
If all else fails, three simple items will make your camping experience more comfortable-earplugs, melatonin, and alcohol. I’m not even kidding. Earplugs will keep out the night-time sounds and muffle your camping buddy’s snoring. Melatonin, a natural supplement you can find at drugs store, is a sleep aid that will ensure your camping dreams are sweet. And alcohol…well, whether it’s beer, whiskey, or tequila ( good luck keeping your clothes on) it will help you relax, have fun, sleep, and will numb all of your panzie camping pain.