So you’ve decided to go skiing? Congratulations, and welcome to a world of strange rituals that involve falling down bus stairs, bonking through crowds with ungainly planks and iPods into snow banks. But that’s pro-level stuff. No, first you have to buckle your boots.
Fortunately for you, I’ve been doing this since I was five and I’m here to help. Follow me past the parking attendant, swing open that car door and dent the neighbor’s Porche Cayanne. Let’s fasten those four-buckle kicks!
Step 1 – Find Boots
Buried beneath the ski paraphernalia and discarded banana peels, your boots are on the floor in the back seat, right? No? Oh yeah, they’re in that cold box on the roof. Sweet! Nothing clears a hang-over like an icy block-o-plastic.
Step 2 – Drop skis down side of car
Seriously, you can skip this step. It just happens with such regularity required to masquerade as required protocol.
Step 3 – Jam foot into boot. Get stuck. Open buckles. Stay stuck.
Step 4 – Pry foot from boot
It is a little known fact that ski boots can be used as cougar traps. Employ buddies and/or car jack if necessary.
Step 5 – Get stuck
Open boot buckles, pull tongue out and to side, ease foot gently inside. Get stuck.
Step 6 – Watch and learn
Watch as buddies walk toward gondola while your foot slowly sinks into the boot.
Step 7 – Take an Ibuprofen
Something pops in your ankle and foot slides completely into boot. Congratulations!
Step 8 – Latch the buckles.
Start by pushing in vain to close the tongue. Next, get a friend to help out so you can get that darn buckle to close. Oh, wait, your long underwear is caught in the boot tongue.
Step 9 – Remove long underwear from boot tongue.
Step 10 – Don’t forget the second boot
You’ve gotten that first buckle. Now ease the vice around get them good and tight before trying to walk up any stairs! Oh, and don’t forget that second boot.
There you go, follow these simple steps and you too will soon be wearing ski boots. Good luck, the bus is about to leave. Enjoy the run!