GTFO!

Rock On: How to Not Break-Up with Your Climbing Obsessed Boyfriend

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“Babe, I’m so sorry. I can’t snuggle with you for even ten extra minutes this morning. I gotta go blowtorch some ice off a boulder in the woods so I can send my project.”

Sound familiar?

If so, two things are mostly true for you:

  1. You’re dating a hot, muscled, rock-climbing mantype.
  2. He’s more obsessed with climbing rocks than he is climbing you.

If you’re reaching your breaking point and contemplating slicing his rope and shredding his harness, please allow us to make several recommendations on how to keep the passion going and to rock-on in your relationship:

If You Can’t Beat ‘em, Join ‘em:
If there’s one thing I’ve noticed about hardcore climbers, they love bringing other people into the sport. Take advantage of this and have your bf teach you to climb. They’ll be happy to because it gives them the chance to show off their manly skills and they get to watch you climb in tight pants. Furthermore, they’re always in need of buddies to belay them, help them blowtorch boulders, and to remind them that they really shouldn’t try soloing The Diamond just yet. Also, they’re passionate about their sport and want others to feel the same so that they can, well, talk about it…constantly. Forever. Always.

Be a Climbing Cheerleader:
If you can’t climb or just don’t wanna, find another way that you can participate and be supportive. Here are some nifty suggestions:

Learn to belay. It’s easy and you get to stare at your boyfriend’s cute tushy all the livelong day.

Don’t wanna belay? Tag along. Bring a picnic.

Don’t wanna bring a picnic (seriously, what the hell is wrong with you? We’re starting to wonder if your climber guy should totes call is quits)…take pictures or video. Climbers are also narcissists and, therefore, love pictures of themselves doing sick moves, contorting their bodies to where every rippling muscle and tendon is showing, and getting their hands on tiny crimpers. (Ok, not all climbers are narcissists. Just me).

Learn the Lingo:
If you’re adamantly opposed to going out-of-doors and doing any of the aforementioned with your bf (seriously, girl…you should be dating a gamer and not a climber) then we recommend, at the very least, learning the lingo. Climbers love to talk about their adventures but they can’t share with you if you don’t have a clue what they’re talking about. So, after you’re finished reading this article and giving yourself a mani/pedi, look up these terms. Or, better yet, sit down and ask your hot climber guy. Then tell him you’ve got a project with a lot of jugholds that he can work on in the bedroom.

-send

-take

-Yosemite Decimal System

-ATC/belay device

-back-clipping

-trad climbing

-top roping

-lead climbing

-bummer

-bump

-jug hold

-overhang

-quick draw

That should get you started. Rock on!

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