GTFO!

Why Being Outdoors Makes You Sexy

Hey you! Yeah you, adolescent boys. Put down your Wii remote and listen to these words of wisdom. Many of your friends may be encouraging you to stay inside, build up your WoW characters or whateveryou kids are doing these days.However, I am about to give you some advice that, if conducted correctly, will negate your acne, frail body, and lack of facial hair and make you the rugged chick magnet you’ve always wanted to be.

1Tan
I enthusiastically encourage you to wear sunscreen, spending more time outside (unless you are in the Pacific Northwest) may result in a vibrant, glowing tan. You may be saying, “But I spray tan before I go clubbing!” That may be true but spray tans leave you orange and faintly smelling of ammonia. No girl wants to dance up on you if you smell like the perm she just got. An outdoor tan is more natural, and funky tan lines make good conversation starters.

Scars
“How’d you get that?” She’ll ask, gingerly touching you newly formed scar. “Oh this old thing?” you’ll reply. “I got this wrangling a mountain goat while trekking through Nepal.” If you’ve done this trip and the scar is really from that untamable goat you probably don’t need to keep reading this article. However, if that scar is actually from falling off your Segway or the chicken pox, read on. People, not just ladies, love scars. Not only do they tell people where you have been, it also lets them know that you know no fear and that you are willing to take risks. I’m not encouraging you to get hurt on purpose but the best scars come from the best adventures, so go outside and try it. This will only sting a little.

Muscles
If you’ve been spending your time on the couch in your parents basement then the only muscles that haven’t atrophied are in your hands (or wrists). While a lot of ladies aren’t going for the Sylvester Stallone types, you may find yourself in a more successful position if you have the muscle capacity to give a good hug. Lord knows with all the video game playing you’ll probably crush her hand when you try to hold it. The men that inspired Call of Duty had to go through basic training, when’s the last time you were out of breath?

Endorphins
When you do something exciting your body releases several chemicals including adrenaline and endorphins. While you may have an adrenaline spike while playing Madden, endorphins may be lacking. Being outside and being active releases endorphins that encourage energy and feelings of euphoria. If you’re in a good mood, people (ladies) will notice. Furthermore, sweat releases pheromones that attract mates. It’s a lot more appealing than that stale Cheetos and Red Bull smell that you’re rocking right now.

Rugged Clothes
If you’re on you’re way to becoming an irresistible rugged outdoorsman, than you will need a wardrobe to match. Any self-respecting outdoorswoman will be able to tell that you recently went to REI and she may call your bluff, revealing you to be the video game-playing boy you once were. My advice: go to Goodwill. Not only will this be a lighter blow on your wallet, but pre-distressed clothes will enhance your guise as an accomplished mountain man with a hankering for outdoor adventure. Just remember, no outdoor outfit would be complete without a flannel, Carhartts, and a puffy vest.

Subliminal Messages
Since the dawn of advertising, subliminal messages have been a crucial part of selling your product. Whether blatant or subtle, these messages influence the buyer on a psychological level. While a lot of these messages turn women into objects (see any magazine ever) you can use this method to sell yourself. First, in order to maintain your rugged status acquire a manly, phallic tool (hammer, pick axe, paddle, axe). Then just stand around cool places with it. Whether you’re at the base of Denali or in the depths of the Grand Canyon your object will tell girls, “Hey lady, I can cut things down AND swaddle you in my dirty flannel” and what girl doesn’t want that?

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